With Luther on the Fork

Excerpts from General Bibliography

Mircea Horia Simionescu | December 01, 2008
Translated by: Patrick Camiller


With Luther on the Fork

MAURICE PRINTEMPS: Pope Clement XII and the Blow on the Head.  After describing the splendour of the papal court, Maurice Printemps who lived in the Vatican for fifteen years doing research in the archives draws an admirable portrait of the great Clement XII. Remarkably fine observation, evenly spread among the  pages (see pp. 26-7 and 102-3). An excellent book. But the blow on the head is not explained: whether it was just a slap or some object was used; whether it really hurt or just smarted; whether it parted body and soul or only caused distress. The allusion to the Holy Spirit is not enough. (Éditions Se, Grenoble, 1940)


ORLANDO SABENA: With Luther on the Fork. Starting from V. Alecsansdri’s poem Cu Niniţa-n gondoletă [With Little Nina on the Gondola], Orlando Sabena tells a rich tale in which several hundred characters are locked in a ferocious struggle for an inheritance. Filled with hatred, they argue over the coveted fortune, nudging and flattering, haggling and befriending, then clash as they grow angry, quarrel, jostle and swindle each other, spit and scratch, tear each other’s clothes, let fly with their fists. It is one hell of a shindy, which makes the object of the feud seem trivial by comparison. It finally unravels in a bloody set-to. Mr Negatif, a talented young biologist who has  been studying the local fly Antrax petullia, aka Acriţă, is left torn to pieces in the middle, lying on the grass in flannel shorts, bleeding and bruised about the eyes. No inheritance anywhere. 

            The novelist tries hunting for it  but gives up. A writer who is happy to leave it at that, without even valuing the real estate, converting the main assets into gold or  reporting on mortgages, tenants, and so on, does not strike me as serious. The book won a prize at Venice in 1934, but that shows the jury had little concern for national material values. Mention should be made of the book’s fine rubber cover, which can be easily washed with a little soap and warm water, rinsed and then wiped two or three times with a soft cloth. (Editura Lombardi, Rome, 1940)


NATALIA SINNA: The Glass Bug, Paramount 60, Chicago, 1962.


MYRON CHEVALIER: Mrs Sachelarie’s Mission in American Literature. Whereas, at the beginning of the century, the contribution of Mrs Marioara Sachelarie, née Mătăsăreanu, to the development of American literature was completely unknown, a number of competent studies in the last decade have thrown full light on the matter. We know that before 1840 America did not pose itself the problem of creating a national literature; every effort until then in the novel, theatre or poetry could not have a lasting character, because the authors were individuals driven by petty interests and desultory feelings. A start had to be made on a modern literature, fast and comfortable, with hydraulic brakes and directional pointers. Who would dare to begin? There was evident hesitation on all sides. Individuals hesitated, and so did groups. But then someone did make up their mind. It was a woman from faraway Romania, who had no idea that she would be the founder of American literature. She was Marioara Sachelarie from Găieşti, the daughter of an honest father, Matei Sofronie Mătăsăreanu. Taking no account of the difficulties, but taking with her a suitcase of clothes and food, Marioara hurried across the ocean and got down to work. Chevalier's book, one of the most throughly documented on the subject, reports facts and incidents that show how fruitful the Romanian woman proved to be for American literature, as well as how she, like any receptive mind, felt fruitful influences on herself. The hard part was over. What was done after her death was no longer so difficult. Outstanding figures soon emerged,  from Wallace and Poe to Caldwell and Hemingway; some of them may even have achieved more. But the hard part had been faced up to. And who had done it? A woman. 'Our generation is grateful to her,' Radio Alaska stated in a recent broadcast. ('Brandenburg' Collection, Texas, 1959)



ALIN RICHTER-NORDAU: Stories with Mayonnaise. Of the great storyteller's far too numerous narratives, the ones chosen were Fires and Zeppelins and Electricity at Sixty Metres – not exactly his most durable works. 'An insignificant writer, Richter-Nordau makes me angry,' writes Gym Pampass. 'Wasn't it he who thwarted the freedom movement of church caretakers, forcing the poor men to turn to a labour union?' H. Descamps urges in his history of literature: 'Nordau is a genius, though, you should read his texts!' But Pampass screams in an article: 'I won't even consider taking it in my hand. If a writer gets up to mischief, I'll rip him out of my heart and ignore him for all eternity!' 'What do we do with Petrarch, then, who often cheated his creditors?' 'We leave him to fend for himself: literary critics have no obligations.'

            'After Dostoevsky, I know of no more profound writer,' Giovanni Strepo writes in the entry on Richter-Nordau in Encyclopedia Britannica. 'The English have never had standards of judgement,' Gym Pampass comes back after reading the entry in translation. (Progress Publishers, Oslo, 1828)


RALPH JACOB TRASCOUNT: The Submarine with a Hull of Dough, a novel in two volumes. Apart from numerous typographical errors, the book teems with banalities of the following kind: 'What if, breaking with habit, you woke up at three in the morning and looked at the sky, then took a train for the end of the earth but alighted at the second station to wait for the sun to rise from somewhere, and, staring at it from the middle of a field of poppies and daisies, you played the role of the fool from any play with fools, then set off northwest – a sense of direction being your main quality – and struck up a conversation with the first peasant you came across, certainly a hundred years old, then with a ruined woman who was bent on helping you to ruin a great career, and, finally, you went up the mountains that stretched out there like a huge cat, and passed beyond them, where a night such as you have never seen before might descend on you, without electricity, without a bed, with back-tracking, without painted stars, the night about which I have spoken to you before?

            'And if, later, after you had descended to the depths of darkness and found in your path  birds and fishes living together among the damp plush vegetation and the curtains of a music with two flutes and cembalos, you felt drawn back home and, returning to the dining-room, sat down as before in front of the television, would you not die of laughter, and would you not be ashamed of your immobility in the screen frame, of how your nervous apparatus is connected to Channel 13, of the surfeit of advertising that you gulp down, that you have eagerly gulped down, and which is your only baggage of knowledge, transmitted non-stop to others day and night?

            'And what if all the things nearby would laugh at you, roaring away in a pleasant comradely manner, until the glass lying on the table deigned to shatter into pieces on the carpet, and the others, whose house it was, scared and unable to understand what was happening, quickly took refuge in a detective novel, while you knew full well that this was exactly what was bound to happen.' (Theo Reder Verlag, Vienna, 1958)


MARIUS HOLST: All That Can Be Retained of Roderigo Is Water. We are offered an experiment. Roderigo, a tenor who works hard at his singing, is used as an example of the well-known fact that  numerous people think they have a talent which they do not in fact possess. He sang for a week, sang for a year. It was noticed that his body weight fell, that his once vigorous frame became dehydrated, and what remained were just a few husks that the wind easily swept away. The explanation is that the individual did not exist; a mere concentration of water could not form a living person, with all his  pretensions, in spite of a number of signed and sealed contracts. The rule: any Roderigo whose organism maintains a constant quantity of water can produce songs, without their interesting anyone and without his falling in volume. (Ra Editions, Cairo, 1952)


MATEO SENTEMBRINI: Catalogue of Contemporary Dreams. Do you realize how interesting it would be if, by some miracle, at least one in ten of the dreams we have at night acquired coherence? We would have one more universe in the world, perhaps one and a half. Two Greta Garbos would appear in our camera lens, two Fifth Symphonies would play in our ears; it would be like at school, with parallel classes, B, C, D... We would record unbearable howling on our tape recorder. (The motto and argument of the book.) 'This is the weakest of the books by that peerless artist of the word, M. Sentembrini. The only thing of value, perhaps, is the idea from which he starts out. The treatment is depressingly inferior, the style contorted.,' writes Jean Felix Galor in Les Livres, Dec. 1960. (Flammarion, Paris, 1959)


NICOLAUS REMBRANDT: The War of the Philosophers. Towards the autumn of 1928, a fierce war broke out among philosophers in the northeast Mediterranean. The occasion? Plato had contradicted Democritus on the commensurability of space, and had done so with an air of superiority that his opponent interpreted as arrogance. The Pythagoreans intervened as mediators, though they were unsure of how to proceed. The first three, vaguely boring, chapters of the book lay out the casus belli – an extremely tense dispute  between traditionalist topographers and empirical topometers. Five more chapters impart information about the rival camps. The Eleatics, for example, are caught learning by heart the poème à clef and jotting down notes in a vellum notebook. The last and most accomplished chapter – the battle proper between the philosophical armies – is Rembrandt's masterpiece. The fighting spread up the central Adriatic coasts and reached, through settlers, Scythia and southern Germany, but no one ever presented it with the understanding of Xenophon. The combatants began shooting at each other. Instead of shells, they sent off medium-caliber precepts and maxims, delayed-action 101mm judgements, using the talents of Periander, Ferekydes and Theopompus to direct the fire. Aircraft hurled down rounded, well-polished truths. Off the Adriatic, an aircraft-carrier was sunk with the help of mines made from the parchment of medieval treatises. Machine-guns let loose monads, while anti-aircraft guns banged out fragments from Sophist discourses. Rembrandt describes the great battle of Samosata with expert knowledge: 'When Plato shouted from a rampart: "The world is an illusion," the fully deployed enemy columns broke up and thinned out; men fell everywhere dead or wounded, uttering the most convincing moral pronouncements on the spot.' But the enemy counterattacked with tanks. Politics, on the caterpillar tracks of eight-gunned Rhetoric, Meteorology and Metaphysics, sowed terror in the soldiers who had remained in fixed positions. Neoplatonists bought from a German the secret weapon of Dialectics, which they then wheeled into service. The enemy protested, invoking the Geneva Convention, and threatened to retaliate with the asphyxiating gas of behaviourism. Locke and Berkeley, the Encyclopaedists, Spinoza and Auguste Comte joined the fray, as did Aleksandr Papanin, the author of a completely original philosophical system. There are admirable, Homeric scenes. It seems as if the weapons will never fall silent. But the one-hour armistice proposed by J.-P. Sartre, with its offer of a pale compromise, becomes the basis for conventions that will later uphold the peace. The armies withdraw to their bases, the philosophers to their bookshelves. There will not be another war so long as librarians keep their books in good order, under lock and key. (Éditions Cerc, Paris, 1930)


AURELIO MERCANTILE: Beauties. – In more than three hundred pages, the author demonstrates that beauties are not those who adorn concert halls, nor those who undulate down city boulevards disturbing the peace of afternoon strollers, nor those who work in laboratories, offices and pharmaceutical factories, white and fleshy, with sparkling eyes, treading the floor with feline steps. Beauties are not those behind a steering wheel, in the train or at the racecourse. A hypothesis is advanced to define the place, form, dimensions, occupations, preferences and intellectual and physical capacities of beautiful women. (Éditions Gardian, Geneva, 1934)


GABRIELE HANSA: The French Defeat at Popice (1826). – The battle at Popice in 1826 was one of  the bloodiest in the history of France. Historical researchers, who have established the precise numbers of killed and wounded, are not yet in a position to say who fought the French or why, nor how the hostilities concluded. Of course, there must have been a peace after the war, at least for a few years, until the battle for Hernani (1830).


HANS FREGATA: Defining the Level of Abstraction in Suckling Babies. – The results of research at  the abstraction laboratory of  Hamburg University. The drawback of the proposed method is that the subjects of investigation do not survive. (Orienta, Hamburg-Leipzig, 1956)


WOLFGANG APUD: The Supreme Infidelity. – For some time a most staid individual, Robert Y., has quite often been absent from home. He is known to have fallen in love with a beautiful actress. Colleagues rebuke him. Unable himself to understand how he can love wife and mistress at the same time, he loses weight and falls ill. Diagnosis: schizophrenia. Things go on undramatically as before. In his family, the flame of love burns with a bluish glow; when he is with his lover it is a deep red. For some time his wife has been neglecting the home because of an interest in sculpture. Robert more and more often finds dust on the furniture. He suffers allergies, which demoralize him and make his malady worse. One morning he runs away. His wife is convinced he has gone off with his lover; she visits her and makes a terrible scene. But Robert sends a letter from a little town far away, where he has found a job as a driver. He has made up his mind to return only when his travels from one end of the country to the other have inured him to the dust. (Felix Mendelssohn-Batholdy Verlag, Hamburg, 1954)


DOMITIO HEIMEYER: Textiles and Uncertainties. – 'An excellent novel, romantic and patriotic, with pages reflecting the taste of the last century, and with finely drawn characters' (Galba Marcetti in Le Courrier). (Flammarion, Paris, 1936)


RODERIGO SOLWEIG: Loneliness. – Two young ladies lost on an island. Their dramatic search for each other. When they eventually come together, one is unable to breathe and has to be taken to hospital. A doctor falls in love with her and asks her to marry him. The friend, feeling envious of her fate, leaves for India. Her wanderings in the jungle – very exciting. The episode with the killing of a cobra is really great. The doctor is sent on an assignment, also to India. Searching, uncertainties. The young lady, in love with him, is unforgiving; there is a deep-seated, premeditated hatred of the one blessed with happiness. She lies in wait and humiliates him. A cardinal appears on the scene. The doctor learns that his wife has died in an accident. The two take a plane to Europe. Soon the doctor has a stroke and ends up paralyzed. Devotion and desperation. The young lady dedicates herself to the poor invalid. She founds a convent, organizes a hospital, develops a system to overcome the effects of paralysis. She establishes a library, gives concerts – she plays admirably well – collects money, opens a marble quarry in Sweden. Business trips. She maintains half of the colonial army contingent in Algiers and offers free showings of educational films for boarding-school pupils. Once so lonely, she now finds herself surrounded by thousands of friends. In conclusion, a eulogy to human activity and medicine. (Ivory Coast Editions, Cairo, 1938)


SIMON GABRIEL: On the Other Side of the Front. Verses. – Quite interesting poetry, but lacking power and bereft of ideals. 'Our dull and bitter pain/I collected on one violin' are artificial lines. Besides, it is wrong to construct an image out of sensations that relate to taste and hearing. 'Sad is the deacon Iachint/Whose fears are by no means lies/Christ entered a thief and brigand/Passing timidly among his brethren': these lines, from another poem, are in fact pure prose. (I have not been able to review the whole book, as its pages had come unstuck. I found this, for example, on p. 18: 'L'otite moyenne se propage assez souvent aux cellules mastoïdiennes, mastoïdite, celle-ci est caracterisée et surtout provoquée par la pression locale, par la rougeur derrière l'oreille et qulequefois par de l'oedème.' I think that, being written in French, this does not belong to the volume. (Éditions Salpetro, Geneva, 1960)


SALVADOR MARCA: Cave Painter. – About the behaviour of an exploratory painter, who hoodwinks anthropologists by drawing hunting scenes at night on cave walls, which are then enthusiastically discovered the next morning. The painter's highest satisfaction – to be exhibited in the British Museum, Room Three, 'Cave Art'. (Solex Verlag, Graz, 1919)


MAJOR GRIGORE TAŞCĂ:  The Moral Principles of Those Who Initiated the Fanfare of the 95th Infantry Regiment – Olt District. – An exhaustive study. (Editura Voluntarii Patriei, Piteşti, 1938)


ION GABRIELESCU: The Dispersal of Tailed Children in the Subcarpathian Area. A Study. – Awarded the 'Grigore Antipa' Prize of the Romanian Academy. (Bucharest, 1910, typewritten booklet)


SANDRO BASTARDI: The Management of Lifelong Constipation. A Critical Study, with a preface by N. Iorga. – Sandro Bastardi worked at a biological laboratory in Bucharest. He passed smoothly from biology to literature, provoking a massive shift in the same direction among the Romanian technical and scientific intelligentsia; the effect was to deprive industry and research centers of the necessary specialists. Bastardi focused particularly on the poets Nicu Şopârlǎ, Vasile Panaitesci and Nistor Motâlcǎ, and the novelists Grigore Grǎdişteanu, Petre Vasilesci-Rǎdǎuţi and Jean Bunescu, editing their work and publishing articles about their literary activity. By applying his scientific discoveries to literature, he established that long-term abstention by the large intestine from its eliminatory propensities is the most productive biological effort of all. Blood is driven by pressure out of the wall vessels. Then, laden with gases (that is, with the subtlest form of matter), it rises to the head and produces unexpected associations, fruitful congestions, giving rise here and there to an unforeseen masterpiece. The author goes even further. In his study of 'Preromantic Ideas in our Sǎmǎnǎtorişti Writers' [the self-styled 'Seed Scatterers' movement], which is included in this volume, he indicates some of the foods that cause long-term constipation: bread in large quantities, potatoes, canned meat, wheat and cakes. These he recommends especially to prose writers, so that in the years to come they may produce the great novel of the century. In another chapter, entitled 'Anemia and Vascular Disturbances in Literary Critics', he rages against the irrational use of laxatives and fresh fruit, seeing them as harmful to the further development of our national literature. (Editura Socec, Bucharest, 1932)


HANIBAL LAMBETWALK: Feast with Glycerine. – Very successful, convincing and witty, this story shows that nothing of value on earth remains unknown and that humanity evolves even in so-called periods of regression. Spain is offered as an example. (Orbis Publishers, Krakow, 1953)


LOLA CENTOMILA: The Mouse's Condition. A Novel. (Éditions Palmier, Lyons, 1958)


ALVARO GALION: Who Struck the Clock?  With each page the question becomes more and more insistent, more and more disturbing, although it is not yet known whether the clock was struck, as one character claims, or whether it was simply being nailed down, with its hands twisted together, as the detective alleges. It is full of significance that  a cuckoo appears when the situation grows more complicated. Then it becomes clear that the clock was a pendulum, and that its striking had grave consequences. The book demonstrates that readers, to their shame, may have a penchant for adventure stories devoid of high ideals. 'Anyone who doesn't see this book as an attack on Hollywood, on its films and its jokes, is blind.' (Editura Pax Vobiscum, Naples, 1939)


SALVATOR VEGA: The Life and Activity of Fox Therrier. – The insistence with which the reputed Salvator Vega dwells on how Fox Therrier arranges his clothes in the cloakroom, the details concerning the capacity of the racks and the quality of the hooks, the descriptions of the gentle landscape visible through the cloakroom window: all this sheds new and interesting light on a chapter of literary history about which too little has been known until now. (Salamander Books, Zagreb, 1902)


ANDREA GALLUPPI: On the Usefulness of Concrete Observation, followed by The Candor of Falling on Ice. – 'If, before going to bed, you don't have moments when you are the greatest historian in the world, you can consider yourself lost' (Ath. N. Goethe). (Rogers Brothers, Ithaca, 1929)


ANTONIO GOVERNALY: The Noocracy. – On the island of Gamma in the West Indies, a complete system of noocratic government has been operating for more than five hundred years. Scholars took power somewhere around 1428 and perfected a parliamentary system of the highest kind. It should be mentioned that the first act of the new government was to adopt a 'Law on Parentheses', which prohibited activities at night. 'Any hidden activity,' the first clause stipulates, 'is due to a lack of sunlight and is therefore anti-human.' Over the next few days, by way of demonstration, there were massacres of troubadours, poets, lamp lighters, bakers, courtesans, sailors who had not dropped anchor in time, grammarians (for whom the day is never long enough), do-gooders, inquisitive people and, in general, anyone who tried to stand out at night by engaging in any kind of activity or by carrying a lantern. 

            A number of confusions were reported. Mario Sogra was put to death because he had crossed a boulevard at midnight while beating his wife; the man was innocent and gave proof that he was blind. Francesco Tinoya was beheaded because he had told the authorities that a neighbor boiled a jugful of bran every day. It was demonstrated to him – but only after he had been handed over to the milling machine – that everyone must be free to boil or throw away whatever quantity of bran they wish.

            Another law banned the custom of greeting people, on the grounds that it involved taking something and immediately giving it back – which was true.  It was just too prodigal, and a civilized society cannot afford the luxury of indulging in it.

            Finally, another law stated that ring-dancing was the only way for boys and girls to go out together. Abolished in 1821, for lack of musicians, the ring dance was reintroduced in 1926 after the appearance of radio and telegraph with amplifiers. Since then, strolling, meeting and chatting have taken place in a circular form, with a number of participants, from right to left; the only concern is to oppose the force with which lovers try to draw close to each other. (Friends, though driven by similar urges, resign themselves more easily.)

            In the noocratic society of the West Indies, children give up the idea of ever coming into the world, and so exaggerated sums are spent on importing this product. Tobacco is relatively cheap. (Editura Soriente, Santiago, 1959)


PHORMIC PHORMIDABLE: Collection of Insults Available to Heads of Department.  (Azur Verlag, Frankfurt-am-Main, 1933)




SANDRU NEAJLOV: The Tǎnǎsescu Atlantic Liner. – 'You can make a hole in the sky, but not in the Tǎnǎsescu Atlantic liner' (Gabriel Popovici-Bolintin).


MARIANA GIRARDI:  The Art of Spiridon van der Welde. – This precious biography contains thirteen reproductions of splendid works by the great Romanian painter. Unfortunately these do not include his well-known Festivities at Rǎcari – from the Museum in Gǎeşti – a picture of moving realism, in which two sewing-machines can be seen in the foreground. In order to create the illusion of life, the artist cut into the canvas and squeezed a band of silk through the slit; an employee hidden behind the frame shakes this up and down, in such a way that our eye can make out the sewing pattern and the tailor's movement. Techniques of reproduction could not keep abreast of  such a performance. (Éditions Pro Arte, Liège, 1958)


PETRE P. POPESCU:  Putting Convent Maidens Aright.  – Not having a (word missing) manner of life, convent maidens become the instrument of an alien power which ex... (rest of word missing) them and draws them into ... (line missing), again proving how wonderful they are. Their joining the Morgan corporation posed a problem, as it did not suit some patriotic senior officials headed by (two names missing), Alexandru Lambrior, Vasile Conta, Stratulat (rest of paragraph missing). It is concluded that ... (see 'Law on Higher Cash Compensation for Certain Categories of Pensioner'). (Printed at 'Universul', Bucharest, 1936)


FERNANDO BASCA:  Beneath Top Hats. A Novel. – 'Nowadays, the art of the novel should obey the principle either of the Balzacian panorama, combined with a spanning of generations, or of the snapshot where fewer things are said than are left unsaid – a kind of synthetic formula in which each sign is meant to conjure up a world. But does the novel have any point in our times? Perhaps only for film directors, who, instead of making six-part superproductions, read micronovels in secret.' (Maurice Rollinat Sinatra)


OLGA NAPOCA:  His Highness the Little Man. – Our essence develops as long as it remains alive. As man grows ever taller, he evidently finds it harder to distinguish small objects around him. The further we advance on the road of life, we come across little men in ever greater number. But, as I stated at the outset, man is constantly developing. He therefore grows both big and small. The contradiction is part of his essence: it is something visceral. Olga Napoca establishes that in 1930 there were 34 per cent more big men than little men. According to the writer of the preface, 'A proper historian who sets out to study our era in detail must be cross-eyed.' (Barkukis Editions, Athens, 1952)


ROLPH SINDFEUR:  Tapioca and Maieutics. – 'With good reason,' the author remarks, 'maieutics has repeatedly been studied with competence and a spirit of analysis. Tapioca, not so much. The attempt to fill space with milk proved to be childish. For the first time the problem is treated scientifically, with utmost care, I would even say with genius.' (Editura Renata, Rome, 1932)


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This July, The Observer Translation Project leaves its usual format to present a special CRISIS ISSUE. Things are tough all over. Hard Times suddenly feels like the book of the moment. The global economic crisis impacts life as we know it, and viewed from Bucharest the effects reverberate in domains that include geo-politics and publishing in Romania and abroad, with the crisis at The Observer Translation Project as an instance of a universal phenomenon. read more...

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